My head in flowers
Saturday, June 6, 2020
Where do I begin...
My heart feels heavy and eager all at once.
Josh will be visiting so very soon.
3 months and a few weeks since we saw each other last.
Only form of communication is through text.
This has been soo hard.
Heavy.
I feel heavy because I know he is hurting.
He is trying so hard to heal and it is obstacle upon obstacle.
Our family needs to heal.
Monga is now a guardian angel with PA2.
I listened to her one and only voicemail on my phone today.
Surreal.
She's not on this earth anymore.
I know she is with Papa.
There are two redbird nests and one is in the dog play yard.
I see them daily when I take Hanz & Dahlia out.
I feel heavy because our little family is separated.
I feel heavy because the energy on this earth is heavy.
There are moments.
I will hear the cries of a Hawk or the love song from a beautiful Bunting.
Watch the wild sunflowers dance in the hot summer breezes in Texas.
The constant buzz of cicadas reminding me of my childhood.
Sugary sweet indulgences daily.
My parents laughing.
Watching the sunlight dance in my window over the hanging elephants.
Having the time to rest.
These moments do heal.
Yet how do I feel good when our family is not together.
When my parents laugh I also crumble inside.
When I enjoy a refreshing breeze and rest my head back to stare at the clouds I want to share that moment.
I want to share all of these moments with Josh.
I want Josh to be with Hanz & Dahlia.
I want us to be together again.
How can I fully be engaged and happy when such a big part of my essence is missing?
It has been almost 6 months since we said goodbye in Washington.
Almost 6 months apart.
With less than a handful of times to be with each other.
I quit my horrible job.
He quit his horrible job.
There has been a pandemic.
There has been pain.
Loss.
Loneliness.
Frustration.
Tears.
Scorpions.
Copperheads.
Quarantine.
A relationship with no sound.
Seriously.
How have we gone this long without a sound.
A text on a screen.
I will see him in less than three days.
Yet my heart stays guarded but at the same time open to possibility.
I love him.
I want him healed.
I want him healed so he can feel how much I love him.
I want him healed so he can feel love without pain.
~~~
Uncertain
Tuesday, January 28, 2020
i don't know what to say.
eyelids heavy.
heart.
void.
what seeds can i plant when i can't find the water?
i will retreat to sleep tonight.
blanketed in confused aching.
Pages of my past
Sunday, November 17, 2019
wandering down memory lane
on a cozy sunday afternoon
josh is skateboarding
the dogs are chilling like champs
and i realized something that i know i've known but need to write down
i've always felt my happiness would be greatest when i had the love of my life with me
to stand by my side
comfort me
show me love
what i haven't given enough attention to
is
me
what makes me happy
what do i want
without thinking of someone else
what would bring me a fulfilled life
i've spent too many moments crying over why someone doesn't have feeling for me
i need to make myself happy
i need to be happy with myself
Once Upon A Time
Saturday, November 16, 2019
once upon a time there was a girl who fantasized about her wonderful life with prince charming and how good she was to him because he loved her so.
as she grew older and met her prince charming they created a life together filled with love and animals, warmth and safety, but she started to feel lost and unable to attain what her life really was meant to be and left prince charming and her comfortable life for the thrill of new love, hope and adventure to find and be true to herself.
in the end she continued to search for herself wrapped up in the heart angst of being in love with a monster and wanting to have a loving and adventurous family life with her monster and their two dogs but life with a monster has rocky edges and she found herself even further lost than she had ever been, spiraling through life in animalistic fight or flight, reacting quickly and exhausting her mind and body with waves of sadness and confusion until the drowning could go on no longer and with child-like fragility lifted her head up to breathe life into her listless body, looking upon herself, she saw the worn, tired look in her eyes she knew, as miss good vibes always knows, that it was the turning point, the fork in the road, the light at the end of one tunnel, she had to make a choice wether to be true to herself and let her life blossom and be as fiery and fierce and beautiful as she always dreamed it could be or to allow her undying love for a monster eat her alive until there was nothing left of her to remember and so she smiled at the monster, told the monster how very much she loves him, her heart-fluttering butterflies at the mere closeness of his skin, his sculpted stomach and sparkling golden glint in his almond shaped eyes, the heat of their energy and stinging surges of electricity in golden hued waves, the seduction of sound that he created for her ears, all of this and the expansion of her mind that he with his assistance that door had been opened, among all of these flashes of feelings, she raised her chin towards the light and she stopped drowning.
~~~
most important turning points of my life thus far
(limited to 20 or less)
i was born.
my family moved to San Antonio in 1984. i was four.
i joined show choir my 8th grade year and it helped with my confidence.
i moved out of my childhood home in the fall of 1998 into a dorm with a roomie i had never met, Shanna.
i got my first job working at a movie theater 1999, continued to build confidence in myself.
Shanna introduced me to my ex-husband and we were married in June 2003.
adopting our first animals, Miss Kitty(2003) and Noah(2005 after Hurricane Katrina).
moved to Austin, TX winter 2007 into the new year 2008 which led to me beginning to think of living a healthier, more minimal lifestyle.
ACL surgery, recovery and refocus on a healthy life in 2010-2011.
adopted Cole.
Noah passed away Feb 2016
i divorced my husband and decided to live a life that had more meaning and less focus on stuff August 2016
adopted Hanz August 2016.
i moved to Seaside, Oregon with just my boyfriend and my dog in the winter of 2017.
adopted Dahlia May 2017.
i worked at Pilot House Distillery for Sunday Farmer's Markets and at Five Zero Trees Dispensary as a budtender. Both of these jobs pushed my social and comfort limits and loved these jobs.
we moved to Pojoaque, NM in late October/ early November 2017
i worked at a beautiful horse ranch/ retreat for a few months with some of the best people I've ever met. I also worked at a gourmet chocolate shop, Kakawa for almost a year as FOH barista/ sales and shipping. Crazy job but i really did love the people i worked with.
we moved again to Port Angeles, WA February 2019.
i worked at Pilot House Distillery for Sunday Farmer's Markets and at Five Zero Trees Dispensary as a budtender. Both of these jobs pushed my social and comfort limits and loved these jobs.
we moved to Pojoaque, NM in late October/ early November 2017
i worked at a beautiful horse ranch/ retreat for a few months with some of the best people I've ever met. I also worked at a gourmet chocolate shop, Kakawa for almost a year as FOH barista/ sales and shipping. Crazy job but i really did love the people i worked with.
we moved again to Port Angeles, WA February 2019.
through the river
Sunday, November 10, 2019
i always like to center my text.
thought i'd share that.
instrumental music playlist of haunting sounds of the past fill my ears
finding myself
again
in this state of who am i
why did i get lost
doesn't really matter why to me
but getting back to me
very important.
i also always put a space between my sentences.
this space is a little bigger than i'd do if i were writing on an actual page
but this is the format blogger gives me unless i go in and tweak it
apparently the space isn't too much for me.
i do need my own space
a time without interruption
without
just me
I watch the incense slowly smolder down
never rushing
plants don't rush to open
the just open when they need to
god why don't i just think about nature more
what would nature do
that is what i should learn from
that is who i will learn from
nature.
I'm learning to live with my long hair
adapt to less
want less
change my perspective
what do i need
strip the misc bs away
what calls to me
when i arrive at a river
who is on the other side
who is by my side
do i want someone by my side
which direction do i want to take on the river
cross it
up stream
down stream
stay where i am
stay in the river
hover above it
through it
Through it.
her
long and glowing hair
the brightest and iciest blue eyes
slender and strong fingers
Hanz & Dahlia are my tether.
I trust her.
my protector too.
he is there also.
darkness.
i go through the river
because i need growth
i am a flower thriving in moonlight
a dandelion
laced in dewy moonlight
my roots are deep
i am strong
adaptable
eager to be comfortable
feel love
be love
quick to hurt
quick to forgive
not forget
but i do move forward
with trust
keeping my identity
the light
the good
the patient
the understanding
the forgiveness
the comfort
the beauty
STRONG
I AM MOONLIGHT
I AM A DANDELION
I nurture
I grow
I change
I connect with a few
I learn by listening to nature and my gut
I've been on this earth for almost forty years
Don't let them slip away
Be
Another Self
Monday, October 28, 2019
a sunlit meadow
wildflowers
squirrels
dew
ferns
mushrooms
towering trees
mountains
a babbling brook nearby
birds singing
across the spring a spirit guide arrives
soft, cat-like dance he enters
husky eyes and ears
cat like paws and tail
soft, silken fur
rings at the end of his tail
he looks at me
strength and love
a light, silvery essence
inquisitive eyes
trust
he opens the door with a swish of his tail
pink panther style
light
bright and streaming
almost blinding
a feeling of lush, almost jungle foliage
i first glimpse her eyes
bright
piercing blue
ice blue
forever
part cold
part warm
her hair
lighting blonde
swirling aura around her crown
her hands
so strong
yet gently loving
comforting
i am apprehensive to trust
but her iciness fades to a genuine embrace
you know the forest around you
the animals who wish to lounge in nature's abundance
the song of the birds
the mushrooms at your feet
healing
this is it
this is what you know
it is light
it is ice
it is warm
it heals
you heal
trust this.
~~~
Ruffles and Lace
Friday, October 11, 2019
I've stared at this blank page with a pretty photo for three minutes.
Dahlia barking.
Hanz whining.
All right next to me.
Anxious.
Sleepy.
Cold.
I am not sleeping well this week.
Feeling like ruffles and lace.
Pretty but underlying work that it takes to be pretty is hard on me right now.
~~~
Heart Strings + Same Feels + Different Place
Wednesday, October 9, 2019
Feels like fall is welcoming winter with almost freezing temperatures.
The door is open.
Dahlia is barking at me.
The sun is shining.
And it is freaking cold.
My fingers are sooooo cold.
You know.
Wherever you live.
Fall still smells like fall.
Winter light is still pure and clean.
Summers feel lazy.
Spring always seems a little lighter, less "weight on the world" feels.
It doesn't matter where you are.
The earth still keeps changing seasons.
And it all is so familiar even when the terrain is different.
It's a long road to California
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
Wishing for...
sleep
comfort
happiness
It's not easy right now.
There are moments that creep up when I just want to say fuck it all.
Life sucks a lot right now.
Where there used to be sweet moments and I love yous.
These are filled with heavy and vacant voids.
Needing space.
Both of us.
Needing to heal.
It. is. so. hard.
Right now I take the moments I can get.
The bits that are happy.
Savor those and try not to get weighed down by the rest.
He once called me a diamond.
So it's time for me to find my shine again.
As lame as that sounds.
But really.
I want us to enjoy life.
So how do I get him to get out of his head.
And not ruin his moments.
Our moments.
Wishing for healthier, happier days.
Wishing...
~~~
Groggy
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Playing with supplements to help us sleep and I'm awake but groggy.
Doesn't seem like the dose helped Josh either.
He already called a doctor to get his records sent.
I'm writing here now.
I have my journal, but I have wanted to include photos at this time.
SO here I am.
Groggy.
Not really feeling the music at the moment drifting from his room.
Wishing I had my own little space to close a door and just breathe.
But since I don't.
I will pause.
Five long breaths later.
Those yellow flowers have been blooming for almost a month.
They greet me each time I walk out the door.
It's such a welcome bit of happiness.
See the pee a boo of my bun in the sunlight with the just waking up pups?
Our morning ritual of going outside and sniffing all the sniffs of the new day.
Taking a moment now to be grateful for this day.
I have a choice how I want it to be.
~~~
Welcoming the Fall Equinox
Monday, September 23, 2019
Sitting in my little Eames inspired rocking chair that I've always wanted and now I have.
Looking up through the little window of our living room watching raindrops falling in front of a huge evergreen.
Today is the first day of fall.
A day that mother nature is balanced in both day and night.
Liz, my friend and yoga instructor from Austin, sent a Fall Equinox email this morning and has inspired me to create a list of dreams for this fall to focus on.
Now I'm highly aware that me and lists fall out of balance quite often.
When I'm depressed I don't tend to those dream lists.
And I've been fighting with this teeter totter of depression for a couple of years now.
But if there is a better day than any to start it is today.
If nature can balance today.
Then as I mentioned in my previous post.
I will look to nature for guidance.
So here we go... my list of dreams for the fall season... in no particular order.
*****
||| finding happiness within myself first |||
||| continuing to work on and meet goals with our budget |||
||| let go of past ideals of what should be at this moment and embrace what is in this moment |||
*****
These dreams are a little vague... when making lists like this sometimes my head goes blank.
Each moment I need to ask what does my soul need?
What does it crave?
Once again.
an old theme come to play - I have all that I need right now.
I'm sitting in that rocker with this lux fur throw over it to keep me warm.
I've had a delicious breakfast and now sipping on coffee while Josh is in his music room and the dogs rest.
It's raining outside. I love the rain.
I do feel anxious.
But that is ok.
It's just how I feel.
It doesn't mean it has to control how I react.
It's raining harder.
The luxury to sit and watch the rain fall.
That brings me happiness.
Hello Fall.
I'm happy you are here and thank you for allowing me these moments to welcome you.
~~~
A Whole New World
Sunday, September 22, 2019
Sunlight on a tiny bloom amidst the blank page of imagination.
SX-70 Polaroid on expired film.
*****
Upon first glance this polaroid might seem unapologetically bland.
But look deeper.
Try not to make out what it is and instead what you want to see.
I see a fresh start.
Obvious to some I'm sure.
And fitting since it is on the cusp of the first day of Autumn.
But for me that has significance.
Because when I'm at my lowest and life really hits me hard.
I will find this page.
I will breathe.
I will let the glow of the sunlight recharge me.
The drops of rain nurture me.
The strength of the trees support me.
I will listen to what mother nature has to tell me, show me.
I had this conversation with a woman at the shop a couple of weeks ago.
We both immediately felt at ease talking amongst each other.
The rest of the customers just faded away for the few moments.
We discussed that to be in tune with nature and how nature reacts to life.
How nature can regenerate and has seasons.
How everything cycles and there is no worry about death because life is reborn again.
I mean watch any old National Geographic show on nature.
There is death and there is life.
It is always a cycle.
Nature never really is over.
So why should we perceive the world as being over.
This last sentence is in reference to an article I was just reading and what prompted me to write just now.
"We must actively reject the idea that the world is ending. There is no denying the dire situation we find ourselves in socially, environmentally, politically, and spiritually, however unless we can first imagine that a better world is possible, we stand no chance of creating it."
Olivia Pepper via Garden Party, Constellations Musings by Sophia Rose
Mind blown.
Or awakened again.
To the possibility of creating a world first through imagination.
One of my favorite movies, "The Never Ending Story," has the main character do just that.
The world he was reading about was essentially forgotten and lost forever except for one small fragment.
And to start that world back again all he had to do is use his imagination and make wishes to bring this once beautiful world back to life.
So anyone reading this right now.
What would you like to wish for to bring this world a fresh start.
A new beginning.
It can start with you.
So what will it be today?
~~~
August Crush
Monday, August 26, 2019
Life Lessons
***
when gifted peaches, bake pie.
***
summer tones
rich inky blackberry and romantic peach
luscious and ripe
tantalizing kaleidoscope of candy land indulgences.
***
sweet and heady clouds linger on into shadows of dusk's embrace.
***
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