I am not the same person I was 5 years ago.
I am not the same person I was 10 years ago.
I am not the same person I was 15 years ago.
This is me now.
Today.
May 27th 2019
Memorial Day.
Who am I?
Nature lover.
Sensitive to feelings.
Mom to two beautiful pups.
Girlfriend to an amazingly talented man who has brought me both happiness and tears.
I've have grown.
Not literally.
Actually I've gotten shorter and smaller.
But by learning how I respond in situations.
So I can be a better me.
I'm learning I don't have the best patience sometimes.
I get upset when I can't help Josh but that isn't the way to react.
To nurture.
That is the stone he bought me.
Green Jasper.
The Rain Bringer.
The Nurturer.
I have aligned with Dandelion strength.
My plant ally in this life and others.
I can uproot and change and thrive.
But I am still delicate.
And I need Josh there for me too.
I don't want to do it all on my own.
I can.
But I want him to be with me.
Some days I just feel so alone.
My family is there for me.
My select friends.
My puppies.
I'm writing today because I believe that he wants to help us thrive.
I'm just anxious that something always comes up and I end up carrying the whole family.
And get behind on my life stuff.
I want to allow him time to be with his passions.
But what about mine?
I want time for mine.
More than just an hour in the morning.
I want a date.
I want to feel sexy.
I want him to surprise me.
I am being greedy.
He brings me rocks and shells from the beach.
I LOVE this.
He cooks the most amazing food when he does cook.
This means SO much.
He ALWAYS holds the pipe for me.
He would never do this for anyone else.
He kisses me on the forehead.
He touches my chest.
My hip.
When he does look into my eyes.
There is love.
I just hope it is forever.
I really do.
I think that is my underlying problem I keep circling back to after all of this writing rambling.
I apparently need confirmation that he loves me.
On a regular basis.
And I'm very sensitive when I don't receive it regularly.
I thrive on it.
Perhaps because my past marriage lacked it so much.
That connection.
That reinforcement that you are so important to this one person above all others.
Do I give that in return?
Does he feel it?
Do I do enough for him?
Am I being selfish?
I think if I work on being happy with myself and really and honestly be there for him.
Then the other bits fall into place naturally.
The love is there.
I know it.
Now I have to nurture it.
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