My head in flowers

Where do I begin...

My heart feels heavy and eager all at once.

Josh will be visiting so very soon.

3 months and a few weeks since we saw each other last.

Only form of communication is through text.

This has been soo hard.

Heavy.

I feel heavy because I know he is hurting.

He is trying so hard to heal and it is obstacle upon obstacle.

Our family needs to heal.

Monga is now a guardian angel with PA2.

I listened to her one and only voicemail on my phone today.

Surreal.

She's not on this earth anymore.

I know she is with Papa.

There are two redbird nests and one is in the dog play yard.

I see them daily when I take Hanz & Dahlia out.

I feel heavy because our little family is separated.

I feel heavy because the energy on this earth is heavy.

There are moments.

I will hear the cries of a Hawk or the love song from a beautiful Bunting.

Watch the wild sunflowers dance in the hot summer breezes in Texas.

The constant buzz of cicadas reminding me of my childhood.

Sugary sweet indulgences daily.

My parents laughing.

Watching the sunlight dance in my window over the hanging elephants.

Having the time to rest.

These moments do heal.

Yet how do I feel  good when our family is not together.

When my parents laugh I also crumble inside.

When I enjoy a refreshing breeze and rest my head back to stare at the clouds I want to share that moment.

I want to share all of these moments with Josh.

I want Josh to be with Hanz & Dahlia.

I want us to be together again.

How can I fully be engaged and happy when such a big part of my essence is missing?

It has been almost 6 months since we said goodbye in Washington.

Almost 6 months apart.

With less than a handful of times to be with each other.

I quit my horrible job.

He quit his horrible job.

There has been a pandemic.

There has been pain.

Loss.

Loneliness.

Frustration.

Tears.

Scorpions.

Copperheads.

Quarantine.

A relationship with no sound.

Seriously.

How have we gone this long without a sound.

A text on a screen.

I will see him in less than three days.

Yet my heart stays guarded but at the same time open to possibility.

I love him.

I want him healed.

I want him healed so he can feel how much I love him.

I want him healed so he can feel love without pain.

~~~