It's a long road to California
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
Wishing for...
sleep
comfort
happiness
It's not easy right now.
There are moments that creep up when I just want to say fuck it all.
Life sucks a lot right now.
Where there used to be sweet moments and I love yous.
These are filled with heavy and vacant voids.
Needing space.
Both of us.
Needing to heal.
It. is. so. hard.
Right now I take the moments I can get.
The bits that are happy.
Savor those and try not to get weighed down by the rest.
He once called me a diamond.
So it's time for me to find my shine again.
As lame as that sounds.
But really.
I want us to enjoy life.
So how do I get him to get out of his head.
And not ruin his moments.
Our moments.
Wishing for healthier, happier days.
Wishing...
~~~
Groggy
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Playing with supplements to help us sleep and I'm awake but groggy.
Doesn't seem like the dose helped Josh either.
He already called a doctor to get his records sent.
I'm writing here now.
I have my journal, but I have wanted to include photos at this time.
SO here I am.
Groggy.
Not really feeling the music at the moment drifting from his room.
Wishing I had my own little space to close a door and just breathe.
But since I don't.
I will pause.
Five long breaths later.
Those yellow flowers have been blooming for almost a month.
They greet me each time I walk out the door.
It's such a welcome bit of happiness.
See the pee a boo of my bun in the sunlight with the just waking up pups?
Our morning ritual of going outside and sniffing all the sniffs of the new day.
Taking a moment now to be grateful for this day.
I have a choice how I want it to be.
~~~
Welcoming the Fall Equinox
Monday, September 23, 2019
Sitting in my little Eames inspired rocking chair that I've always wanted and now I have.
Looking up through the little window of our living room watching raindrops falling in front of a huge evergreen.
Today is the first day of fall.
A day that mother nature is balanced in both day and night.
Liz, my friend and yoga instructor from Austin, sent a Fall Equinox email this morning and has inspired me to create a list of dreams for this fall to focus on.
Now I'm highly aware that me and lists fall out of balance quite often.
When I'm depressed I don't tend to those dream lists.
And I've been fighting with this teeter totter of depression for a couple of years now.
But if there is a better day than any to start it is today.
If nature can balance today.
Then as I mentioned in my previous post.
I will look to nature for guidance.
So here we go... my list of dreams for the fall season... in no particular order.
*****
||| finding happiness within myself first |||
||| continuing to work on and meet goals with our budget |||
||| let go of past ideals of what should be at this moment and embrace what is in this moment |||
*****
These dreams are a little vague... when making lists like this sometimes my head goes blank.
Each moment I need to ask what does my soul need?
What does it crave?
Once again.
an old theme come to play - I have all that I need right now.
I'm sitting in that rocker with this lux fur throw over it to keep me warm.
I've had a delicious breakfast and now sipping on coffee while Josh is in his music room and the dogs rest.
It's raining outside. I love the rain.
I do feel anxious.
But that is ok.
It's just how I feel.
It doesn't mean it has to control how I react.
It's raining harder.
The luxury to sit and watch the rain fall.
That brings me happiness.
Hello Fall.
I'm happy you are here and thank you for allowing me these moments to welcome you.
~~~
A Whole New World
Sunday, September 22, 2019
Sunlight on a tiny bloom amidst the blank page of imagination.
SX-70 Polaroid on expired film.
*****
Upon first glance this polaroid might seem unapologetically bland.
But look deeper.
Try not to make out what it is and instead what you want to see.
I see a fresh start.
Obvious to some I'm sure.
And fitting since it is on the cusp of the first day of Autumn.
But for me that has significance.
Because when I'm at my lowest and life really hits me hard.
I will find this page.
I will breathe.
I will let the glow of the sunlight recharge me.
The drops of rain nurture me.
The strength of the trees support me.
I will listen to what mother nature has to tell me, show me.
I had this conversation with a woman at the shop a couple of weeks ago.
We both immediately felt at ease talking amongst each other.
The rest of the customers just faded away for the few moments.
We discussed that to be in tune with nature and how nature reacts to life.
How nature can regenerate and has seasons.
How everything cycles and there is no worry about death because life is reborn again.
I mean watch any old National Geographic show on nature.
There is death and there is life.
It is always a cycle.
Nature never really is over.
So why should we perceive the world as being over.
This last sentence is in reference to an article I was just reading and what prompted me to write just now.
"We must actively reject the idea that the world is ending. There is no denying the dire situation we find ourselves in socially, environmentally, politically, and spiritually, however unless we can first imagine that a better world is possible, we stand no chance of creating it."
Olivia Pepper via Garden Party, Constellations Musings by Sophia Rose
Mind blown.
Or awakened again.
To the possibility of creating a world first through imagination.
One of my favorite movies, "The Never Ending Story," has the main character do just that.
The world he was reading about was essentially forgotten and lost forever except for one small fragment.
And to start that world back again all he had to do is use his imagination and make wishes to bring this once beautiful world back to life.
So anyone reading this right now.
What would you like to wish for to bring this world a fresh start.
A new beginning.
It can start with you.
So what will it be today?
~~~
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